To share or not to share? Ahhh that is the question, and the answer is really not very easy.
When you’re experiencing something big and serious, how much to tell people is very personal. For most people, if it's something happy—a promotion, new job or an expected pregnancy—it's easy, create that celebratory instagram post and the people will 👍❤️. When it's something more difficult—job loss, miscarriage or health crisis—now what?
As I routinely mention on my Shoe Prints blog, I do not have the answers but I can speak from my personal experience. I was a caregiver of a young adult navigating cancer, maybe in some ways I still am…I’m just caring for her legacy now.
When Cassie was diagnosed with cancer we quickly let our family and close friends know by phone or in person. They fanned out the newest information and most everyone close to us was aware before we had all the details or a plan. We are a praying family so we asked for LOTS of prayers. Fast forward and we are in the thick of Cassie’s treatment, now keeping friends and non-immediate family became one more thing to do in a very overwhelming circumstance.
I was also sharing information about a young adult with a voice and her own need for privacy.
In 2008, as we all know, social media wasn’t what it is today. Most adults over 40 weren’t using any platform regularly and it was very different. Ok, I love seeing my memories from the early days when you carried on conversations on people's “walls”. Often, I have zero clue what I was referring to anymore🤣😳. We chose to post updates on Caringbridge, a nonprofit still in existence today. I was able to write blog style with any updates, add a few pictures and people could read at their leisure. The site required a login and they sent an email when there was an update. It was (and still is) free to use. Our decision to use Caringbridge to share updates was born out of limited choices but I would highly recommend using this platform today if you want to share your story in a more private manner.
Today the choice to share (or not) and how much is very nuanced. In the case of sharing someone else's story, it becomes an even thinner line. There was not an entry I made into Cassie’s Caringbridge that Cassie did not pre-read, unless it was a quick post-surgery one and she was still sleeping. There were a few times she’d slash a few of my thoughts and a couple times she even wrote in the blog herself.
I had a really hard time framing what was happening to Cassie and how it was impacting our family. I wanted to gently inform, without sharing how terrifying it all was to us. For me, often I woke at 3:00am with a panic attack and many nights Cassie had already woken me up having one herself. That stuff wasn’t for public sharing, but it was real. I’d use phrases like “this has me rattled” referring to an appointment. Or “Cassie is hoping to have normalcy again” when she felt isolated and left behind knowing what her friends were up to. I recognize those code phrases in others' posts now. Often there is more to the story and not everyone needs to know it. We have a phrase at Base2Summit “All of you is welcome, not all of you is expected”. I suppose that applies to writing your story as well.
When you’re managing something big and personal, you want to keep people informed and being transparent is hard. I guess my words of wisdom today would be; follow your instincts. Share what feels right, with the people who need to know, in the way that feels most comfortable to you. And remember, you can change your mind. What feels too private today may be something you're ready to talk about later, or maybe not. If you decide to share on a public platform, you can always step back from that with a simple post I’m certain ChatGPT could craft for you😏
The truth is, there isn't a right answer. Some people process life's hardest moments by talking openly about them; they find strength in that. Others need privacy and quiet. Most of us probably land somewhere in between.
Please know that whatever approach you choose is yours to make.
Your story belongs to you.
Peace, Love and Kayak,
Karen
PS: For more information on supportive partners in cancer care check our our Partners Page
